notebook


theclassifieds


oldies.

Morning:

pillow hair pillow sunlight clock window birds lawnmowers

+

f
 l
  u
   s
  h
  i
 n
  g

+

bedroom  >  hallway  >  livingspace
bathroom                     :kitchen:

+

pad of butter
bacon bacon bacon
mt. whipped cream
pancake pancake pancake pancake pancake
pancake pancake pancake pancake pancake
pancake pancake pancake pancake pancake
hidden nook of blueberry preserves

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steam         smoke

coffee        cigarette

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"Are you heading to campus today?"

      “Yes.”

   “Can I get a ride with you?”

"Sure. Are you spending all day in the library again?"

        “Yeah. There’s too much to do.”

[Pause]

"Can I use the shower?"

   [Pause]

      “Sure”

+

:bedroom:  <  hallway  <  livingspace
bathroom                        kitchen

+

"wait…"

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handunderwear

+

body
body
bed              clockticktockticktock

+

hand         lips              hand
hand         lips
             chest
             chest

             hand

      leleggs     leg
                      leg

                     happy toes.

+

clock

+

         showerhead
         waterwater
         waterwater
           her(washing) me(shivering)

+

"Those are my socks"

"This is your shirt"

"Can I borrow your watch?"

+

Driving  Music  Campus

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lipslips

+

"See you later."

6x6 for howbraillesounds

Why Write

for the same reasons I bike instead of drive on thursdays, spend a little extra to get the good beer for friends, sleep early and wake up late, swim at night, jog for miles along the coast, sort movies and books by mood, scream obscenities in the car, occasionally litter, drink too much water, stare at people, and answer things in lists: I’m not really sure why but it’s what I do, man.

Aesthetic

your attractive drug addicted cousin trying to convince you to watch true detective on hbo.

Process

I post crap on tumblr or write crap in notepad/phone about idea or life events. come back years later and pick up the salvageable lines and thoughts for short stories. share the product with the same two close friends. let the stories ferment then revise. then hoard these stories until I’m adequately convinced I have enough taste to know when my own writing is okay.

The Moment Right Now

reading. lots of reading. too lost to write.

Shortcomings

sharing finished works. too self critical. solipsistic. onanistic. grammar issues. largely uninspired. etc etc etc etce erearefddafdsfiaojfaoiwefoisjfokncxjnvsddjkfnslfn

A Writer Is

someone who writes stuff. so pretty much everybody. unless you can’t read or write. then you suck. and I get to say this because you can’t read this. hah.

Don first came in with an unsettled heart and we were able to cure him right away. The treatment consisted of spending time with smaller creatures such as beetles, shrews, and goldfish so that he would understand that the world isn’t as big as he suspected it; it’s just that he’s smaller than he ever cared to imagine (just like these little friends).

He held the goldfish bowl up into the sky. The sun was refracting off the glass angles creating little sweeps of rainbows. We let him name the fish and we let him take Ernest the Rainbow home so that he could care for it until its death and extinction. We wished Don luck and he drifted away from our office like a string of fish poop falling to settle among the little pebbles and the algae muck.

We heard some years later that he married, had kids, passed away in a car accident among thousands of car accidents that occurred in the summer of ‘05. The city had record breaking heat waves that summer but he would never know it. The goldfish outlived him then (killed and) died in a poorly maintained aquarium.

*

Nell came a few weeks after Don. She seemed to have a similar problem but her unease came from more than an unsettled heart. She complained that she knew too much and thought that the best procedure for her was to forget. We explained to her that it wasn’t common practice for us to implement our selective amnesia process as the first treatment. She relented after some explaining and accepted our suggestion that she pick up a second job.

She worked as a nurse and she found another at a gym where she spent many hours of the night sitting at a desk and staring at late night ESPN replays. Sometimes when the gym was empty and slightly frightening in its hollow, she would play songs she heard in high school and jog around the line of treadmills while thinking that she was turning the turning world in some new way with her movement. She’d get dizzy and fall over onto the plastic matted floor and she’d lie there with all the mirrored walls reflecting each other. She never again felt the loss of knowing that all knowing wasn’t really knowing.

When she came into our offices for the last time, she looked tired and worn from the lack of sleep. But she seemed unsad. She no longer wandered or read or approached friends to have conversations about things they didn’t care to think about. She merely tried to sleep when she could. Her loud, definite voice became stretched out to a slurred whisper. She told us she was okay. We told her that’s why we’re here. We’re too human you know? You just have to forget that.

Simulacrum Quiz

Read More

Some years ago, I found a room in my house I had never known existed. I’ll spend many years in that room, sick, sweaty and alone, imagining a key I’d laid just outside for me to find.

— you’re making a mistake.

— relax. I do that all the time.

he told me this is the best way to break up with a somewhat serious girlfriend: he says to take her to mcdonalds or something similar where there’s people and french fries. he says to stand up from the table and get a refill of coke or something. he says to tell her after you get the refill and before you sit down because standing next to the table will make you look more definite but it will make you look more like a coward in her eyes which is better for her because she’ll get to say things like “that fucking coward” to her friends or to herself. he says to say the things people say in movies or television during successful break up scenes because this is the easiest way to clearly communicate to people like us about what is happening and she’ll have social cues on how to react triggered by those familiar words which will prevent her from freezing up or stuttering or just breaking down. he says to have a list of your own faults and her faults and the relationships faults and to slide that list over to her across the table. he says this is important because the break up can be a growing opportunity for everyone and that list of faults could be a good start to a better you, her, the world. he says to tell her that you’re sorry and if her eyes look like they’re getting all moody post-rock, he says to tell her that she can punch you in the stomach if she’d like. he says you might get punched but its a real solid way to end a relationship. be careful not to spill the soda, he added.

Wednesday. Rattle of palm trees in the shade. I am barbequing shrimp on skewers for dinner. There will be guests, none allergic to shellfish. We will dine outside as the wood of the patio cools enough that the neighbor’s cat will come to sit in her favorite spot perched on side of the planters of baby cactus. There will be wines and beers from Trader Joe’s. There will be more drinks brought by guests. Someone will say at about ten o’clock, You guys really live it up here. Everyone will giggle or laugh. My mother will joke that we’ve not even started. The neighbor’s cat will meow in agreement. My best friend will sit across from me and she will stare at me too often from behind her bangs. Her sister and her parents won’t notice because of the excellent shrimp, the avocado, mango, raspberry salad, the pilaf and the glasses of wine. My best friend will excuse herself from her barely touched plate and casually trail a hand across the back of my chair before entering the house. I will excuse myself too after a minute or so has passed. I will go to my old room and there she will be sitting at the edge of my bed. She’ll be hurried and she’ll pull out a thumb sized porcelain case from behind a pack of cigarettes in her bag. She’ll open it above my book with panels of Spanish Paintings. I will take a bottle of vodka down from the top of a bookcase, lock my door, and sit down on the carpeted floor. Rituals and Repetition. But right now I am just barbequing shrimp on skewers for dinner. I’m looking around at the roofs of all our neighbors and see a crow here and a pigeon there. It is hot in Orange County. I hear sprinklers and think that we spend too much on lawns that we do not walk on or lie above. There are too many pools that light up at night for no one at all. The Pacific Ocean is fifteen minutes away. The shrimps are from the Gulf of Mexico. There is a drop of sweat above my left eyebrow. I flip the skewers of shrimp when I hear laughter in a distant yard. I am not sad, I say again.

7.6

Back at my parent’s place in my old room in my old bed staring at all the old pictures I’ve stuck to the walls while listening to all the cds I’d bought or burned in high school. I’m going to see my old high school friend and we are going to smoke a bowl and share a beer in her parents garage like we used to. In between smokes and sips, I’m going to spill my guts out about all the horrible things of the last month so that I won’t feel compelled to talk directly about those things ever again with anyone.

After this I am going to crash and grab some desperately needed sleep for the next three days and then wake up as something that resembles a human being so I can go do all the things I’d promised but deferred.

This is a solid plan.

comely, Sara is a knife and after she after kissed
her first boyfriend she lied in my bed
and showed me exactly what it was like, even put her hand
on my stomach just like he did and said,
This is how he breathed,
and pressed her nose into my hair and warmed it hot.
God, I promised, if I could love her in ways like no other,
forever, until I am old when she’ll show me how she dies
by putting her white fingers on my eyelids and she’ll say,
Remember how he kissed me?
then lies down in my old bed with me and she’ll ask,
Remember how I kissed you?
and begs me to consider the difference — comely,
Sara is a knife and there is no first or end without her.

Twice I’ve been called “two-faced.” First time was in jest in seventh grade when a girl called me so because I wouldn’t flirt with her in front of my friends. “You’re so two-faced,” she said as we sat around a large brick planter that held a Callery Pear tree. (The Callery Pear blooms white petaled flowers in the spring which sheds and blankets the floor but leaves a light chlorinous scent filling the air. Most of the guys that sat around this planter for lunch or for snack joked at least once that it smelled like cum.) I shrugged and to this she responded by pinching my thigh. She got up and left smiling with some of her friends. My buddies around me snickered and laughed and I felt as if my gym shorts got shorter.

I was at my friend’s funeral service the second time I was called “two-faced.” I’d taken a few bars worth of Xanax and I sat in a pew in the back next to my girlfriend and her mother. The drug had a pleasing effect to my body and mind as I started to feel more null and void like the blue in the sky or in the way that good saké has a hallow in its taste. I was sure I was sad but it felt as if my mind no longer had the material to build emotions like grief or loss. I sat in the pew with the most lazed and spaced expression and I whispered to myself, maybe a little too loudly, “I’m such a two-face,” and I closed my eyes like the Tibetan monks do and felt myself become one with the never-ending wood of the pews, the cross, the window frames, the podium, the dark flooring, and the coffin.

how to do cocaine with your best friend on a weekday,

buy whiskey before the bar and sit in the parking lot listening to the go-to-songs and have the car’s windows cracked open just a little bit while he goes chop chop chop slide. don’t forget to make fun of his work shirt and tie because we all look ridiculous trying to be their kind of professional but don’t be too mean when after a few lines he starts to become confessional and he starts to confide. let him know with nods and shared smokes and pulls off the pint bottle that you understand because you really do know him and fuckers like him after years and years of shit like this that no one deserves but is just life. here we are, you should say to him in a russian accent. is life, no?

get him to the fucking bar. lets not be stuck in the car. smile at your favorite bartender and ask her for the same that you always ask. you’re high and there’s no need to be adventurous with new drinks. just take the whiskey and swallow some of it down with a toast in some other language, sláinte, salud, or fucking kampai or what not and slap one slippery, droopy side of your face with the palm of your hand. graze the day’s stubby facial hairs and make the little scratchy bastards make that noise that only you can hear but is loud enough to expect it to fill the room. but look, there’s two girls two seats away at the bar staring towards you guys more wondering and curious than piqued. this is my best friend here, you tell them while putting your hand on his shoulder. he’s going to buy all of us a drink.

at this point, both of you should cock your heads to the side like needy racoons.

Anonymous asks: Should I suggest email? I'm not trying to be coy, I don't have a tumblr.

sure. im a little backed up on responding to them but luckiestjay@gmail.com

Anonymous asks: How can you devote too much emotion in a dream? You make it sound deliberate. I noticed in my own, that I never dream about anyone in my current life, unless it's a musician from one of my favourite bands. Of course, it is arguable they are part of my actual life. My childhood best friend is often around when I am laughing in my dreams, I enjoy her being there.

yeah. I might have stated it poorly. I meant more in the sense that maybe a mind was super-invested into that dream not really by choice but just by a state of being devoted or already fully given into (willingly or not).

anyways, dreams are fucking great. I don’t remember meeting famous people in my dreams or musicians I listen to (that sounds awesome btw). I might be the opposite of you. most of my dreams cast people around me. my mind is stuck with a very parochial set of characters (I mean just look at the stuff I write. it’s all friends & etc.)

was your childhood best friend grown up in your dreams? or are they like stuck as a child forever which is odd but dreams are odd

Anonymous asks: Was it a bad dream?

no. in one part of the dream, I got to see a lot of faces I hadn’t even thought about in a long time and I got to hang out with them behind a high school.  we all shared a cigarette that we bought with a coupon. then there was a submarine.

I woke up with that confused, fuzzy feeling you get when you devote too much emotion and primacy into a dream.

she looked good though.

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