notebook

I woke up next to a pool.

There was a stranger wearing my shoes.

She was named Jason and the shoes were too big for her.

She bought me coffee and hotcakes.

She told me her story which involved a lot of moving around.

I told her she could stay at my place for a few days.

It’s nice to meet people that can sing.

This is always you
with a smile so aching like a citrus fruit
and the moon in your fist
stretching your stance
because you know it was shown  :
forever wanting to be that beautiful
lonely light, piano blue,
a bat trapped in a honeymoon,
the iced bruise, melting sheets, lepidopteral —
it was just only a thought before, wasn’t it?
But always always this is always you,
I think, every night I think and I kiss a finger
you might have kissed
bite a nail crescent shaped
jagged and spit,
a smile a smile, my baby’s quartered pitted heart.

may,

D. came to my place when I was sleeping and like a good burglar, limberly jumped a side gate, quietly went across the lawn, removed the screen from my window, and was lying next to me in my bed before my eyes opened half in surprise and half in knowing because she did this all the time but we weren’t supposed to be doing this anymore.

“We’re stupid,” she said.

“I’m sleepy,” I said.

“Have you met someone new?” she asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Do you like her?” she asked.

“Not really,” I told her.

She brushed out my eyebrows with an index finger. I could smell the mud on her shoes. The wind picked up and the window-screen fell and settled into the wet grass.

“What about you? Have you met anyone new?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Then what are you doing here?”

—

(Why do people do the things that they do? And when does it become so comfortable and so essential that there is no reason to do anything else?)

—

The skin of her upper shoulders were cold but the skin of her thighs were warm. Her teeth were sharp and bright but her eyes were half closed and quiet. She felt more than she saw or said and when she was done she stayed on top of me.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” I joked as if we’d just found each other after everything.

“Don’t ever forget about me okay?”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“Just say you won’t ever forget about me.”

“I won’t ever forget about you.”

“Because if you forget about me, I’ll disappear.” Big eyes like she means it.

“Me too,” I said.

I went to sleep not knowing if she’ll be here in the morning. I wasn’t worried about anything. We don’t really choose to do the things we do. We don’t get to pick if we want to remember this or that. We just don’t or we just have to and we just hope that we need the right things.

the office is over. now I can move on with my life.

A girl stayed over and she pretty much cleaned the house and even cleaned the bathroom; I am scared of commitment / please don’t touch my stuff.

Cyclic Model of the Universe: There is no beginning and no end. The universe is in an oscillating cycle of big bangs and big crunches. Expand then collapse. Expand and collapse …

Immortal Jellyfish: They can revert to their child form (polyp stage) after reaching sexual maturity and then grow back up and then revert again like so until eternity.

Saṃsāra: The continuous flow of birth, life, death, rebirth — we flow into ourselves. We inhabit many states.

Moksha: Liberation from the cycle of Saṃsāra. Say goodbye to your body and mind and find You.

Leatherback Sea Turtles: Subsists almost entirely on jellyfish. They can live as long as humans. Their dead bodies can support decomposers and carrion eating beetles.

Thermodynamic Heat Death: A concept of the universe without the cyclic collapse and subsequent big bang. A point of maximum entropy and equilibrium. Eternal stasis. The never ending end.

I bought potted orchids to grow so that I won’t have to spend $90 on flowers for next mother’s day.

And I’m going to my friend’s place to help him make ham. Yes, ham from a piece of pig.

I’m also going to masturbate at home since I’m single.

DIY bitches.